Stuttering and Dating

Dating is complex enough these days, but toss stuttering into the mixture and it gets 10x harder. Right? WRONG. Stuttering and dating doesn’t have to be a scary experience for anyone. Neither does public speaking, another fearful situation for people who stutter. Check out my last post about that here.

When I was younger I was deathly afraid of telling a crush about my stutter, therefore I was very selective with who I disclosed too. I’ve had some great reactions, for which I will be always be thankful for, and I’ve had some bad ones which have allowed me to see deeper into people’s character. There’s so much I could say about this topic, but instead of me rambling on, I thought it’d be nice to share some thoughts from my boyfriend on his experience with dating a person who stutters. I gave him a few questions and he typed up his responses below. And afterwards, I’ll share my experience about disclosing my stutter to him and tell you how he supports me every single day!

Ryan

When I originally met Ariel we had already been friends for a couple months. I liked her so much that I decided to ask her out on a date. I never noticed that she stuttered. I had no idea, I couldn’t even tell during conversation. For our second date we went to a Mario themed pop up bar, and that’s when she told me she was a person who stutters. At the time I didn’t think much about it, I just knew that I really enjoyed talking to her (she’s very funny), and that I wanted to get to know her better. I remember wanting to learn more about it and was interested in attending things like social events and volunteer opportunities, but since it was pretty early in our relationship, she seemed nervous about letting me see that part of her life.

The more time we spent together, the more I learned about that side of her. I now know she stutters on her name, and was so afraid once that she introduced herself with a different name. She does speech assignments with me and reads out loud at night to help her inhalations. Her stutter is one of my favorite parts about her. If you know Ariel, you know that she’s an amazing and outgoing woman. I see her stutter as something that’s made her a very strong person.

I’ve learned a whole lot about stuttering that I didn’t know previously. Before I met Ariel, I thought stuttering was curable. I thought people went to speech therapy to “fix it.” I also didn’t know that there were so many different variations of stuttering. Everyone stutters a little bit differently. I’ve learned how important it is to keep eye contact with someone who stutters and to not finish their sentences. I used to finish Ariel’s sentences – not in a negative way, just as engaging back and forth in conversation – but I don’t anymore. I also know that stuttering is less common in girls, and very common in adolescents, but most grow out of it.

Now that we’re almost three years into our relationship, I’m lot more educated about stuttering. I’ve attended a few of the NSA conferences (one in Chicago and one in Fort Lauderdale), and have made a lot of new friends who stutter. One my new friends, Mike, attended a workshop during the Chicago conference about advertising your stutter. Later that day we went out to dinner at a restaurant and set a goal of introducing ourselves to five people. I introduced myself to two – one didn’t acknowledge me, the other didn’t speak English – and it was very awkward and I was so petrified I couldn’t do it again. That experience taught me how hard it can be to introduce yourself to people, even without a stutter. I’m definitely an introvert, so I have a lot of respect for people who can put themselves out there and do it with a stutter.

Related: How To Stop Using Filler Words

Ariel

I told Ryan about my stutter when we were at a bar. (I specifically chose that setting in case I needed some liquid courage, ha!). We were on the topic of something personal, so I decided that that was the opportune moment to advertise. I took a deep breath, began my spiel, and told him that I stuttered and that I went to speech therapy for it. After my spiel was over, it felt like eternity before he responded, but he just smiled and said that he never noticed. I then told him more details about what kind of a stutter I have, how I’ve had it my whole life, and how I work on being more comfortable with it.

A little while later, we were reminiscing about our first date and I told him that I practically held my breath the entire time because I was so afraid of letting a stutter slip out. He then told me how nervous he was about making sure the date went well! Oh, the irony. We were so nervous in the other persons presence that we couldn’t even be ourselves. I think that’s an important lesson about stuttering and dating; remember that you’re not the only one whose nervous about showing imperfections on the first date. Everyone is! After that, I slowly began showing more moments of stuttering here and there.

You’re not the only one whose nervous about showing imperfections on the first date.

-myself

Throughout our time together, I’ve grown more and more comfortable around him. And the reason for that is his patience, kindness, and interest in stuttering. He loves when I tell him about my speech therapy sessions, he enjoys working on speech assignments with me (and always makes them fun!), and he’s super supportive of this blog. He even attends the NSA conferences with me and loves hanging out with my stamily! (stamily = stuttering family for those of you who don’t know!).

Related: Powerful People Who Stutter

Remember at the beginning of this post how I mentioned that disclosing helped me see people’s true colors? If you found that line interesting, read this Washington Post article written by a fellow person who stutters. One of the quotes, which I totally agree with, says:

I began to understand that my speech impediment, which had tortured me since childhood, was actually a useful tool in deciphering the quality of a person

Rachel Hoge, The Washington Post

I hope this was a useful post for anyone trying to navigate the dating world. Whether you’re a person who stutters dating around, a non-stutterer that comes across a person who stutters, or even someone who doesn’t have any type of stuttering association, remember this; be kind and patient, always. Even if nothing comes out of the date, you can at least feel content knowing that you presented the best, most honest version of yourself, and that you treated the other person with the utmost respect. And if you’re a PWS who is scared to show your stutter, remember this Gossip Girl quote: “People don’t tell you who you are, you tell them.” (I love incorporating GG quotes whenever applicable, haha!).

This is one of my more personal posts and I really enjoyed every aspect of putting this together, so if you’ve made it to the end, thank you so much for reading!