Let’s Talk About Eye Contact

Ah, eye contact. It’s one of the few things that can be described and used in such contrasting ways: it can be romantic and frightening, intimidating and powerful, or awkward and confident. And, but not due to a lack of ability, it can be a sign of poor or excellent communication skills. For people who stutter such as myself, it’s directly linked to my emotional response to stuttering.

I’ll elaborate further; I’ve never been good at keeping eye contact with people when I speak. It’s especially hard when I stutter, but also when I don’t; I naturally look everywhere except my audience’s eyes. This is likely because I’ve gotten so used to the habit of breaking eye contact when I’m struggling to speak. And during those moments when I lose eye contact because of a stutter, I feel so horribly ashamed and awkward. The listener probably has no idea, but I feel those emotions radiating off me as I’m looking down, struggling to get my words out. It’s such an emotional response for me! And because of this, it’s one of the hardest things to fix.

Keeping eye contact while stuttering has always been a very “middle” goal for me. I’ve wanted to work on it, but have never actually made it a priority because it stirs up so many uncomfortable emotions. I’m all about pushing your boundaries and getting out of your comfort zone, but sometimes…things just feel impossible and hopeless. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Related: A New Stuttering YouTube Channel

Why Keeping Eye Contact Is Important

If you are able to, keeping eye contact is important because it’s one foundation of good speaking and communication skills. I’m emphasizing one foundation to give consideration for people who are visually impaired. (I did my research to use the correct term and suggest other people refer to this guide when mentioning disabilities: National Center on Disability and Journalism – Disability Language Style Guide). Making eye contact doesn’t strictly define your communication skills, but it is one of the foundations of strong communication that if you are able to, can enhance your ability to effectively communicate and help with the perception of feeling more confident.

In addition to feeling more confident, good eye contact can contribute to being seen as a captivating speaker, it can help retain your audience’s attention, and have your words resonate more strongly. Contrary to some peoples’ beliefs (aka myself until a few years ago), stuttering while keeping eye contact doesn’t weaken the influence your words have. Some might argue that it actually makes your influence even stronger. I had the pleasure of speaking to someone who stands by that statement, Mike Wilson of the Podcast Stutter with Confidence. I was honored to be featured on his podcast recently and we talked for almost an hour about all kinds of good stuff, including eye contact. You can give it a watch and check out his other amazing guest speakers.

For People Who Stutter, How To Improve Your Eye Contact

The first step is understanding how difficult it really is for you. Do you avoid it simply out of habit, or because you feel uncomfortable emotions when keeping it? A combination of both? Do some reflection to better understand your thoughts and feelings when it comes to eye contact. For me, I break eye contact both when I’m feeling ashamed in the moment and out of habit from doing it for so long.

Next, figure out what you can tolerate. Consider the situations that make you feel more anxious. I feel little to no uncomfortableness when breaking eye contact with Ryan, my parents, and my close friends. And my speech therapists. Work and extended family are harder situations because I feel more pressure to be seen as capable, and breaking eye contact can make me feel incapable.

Once you understand your relationship with eye contact and the level of risk that you can tolerate, just practice; practice keeping it even when you want to break it, monitor how often you break it, what goes through your head when you do, etc. All of it! This will help you desensitize to those uncomfortable and unwanted feelings. When you’re desensitized to those feelings, it gets easier to practice because you’re “used to” those feelings and will know that it’s not as bad as it can feel.

Practicing this sort of thing isn’t easy and you will struggle a bit, and that’s okay. We’re human! If you aren’t able to accomplish what you set out to do, dust yourself off and give grace for trying. And when you’re ready, try again. Celebrate the small victories and the failures because you still followed through and you will do it again despite those.

And finally, remember that perfection isn’t attainable. I don’t expect myself (nor want to) keep eye contact 100% of the time that I’m speaking because it simply doesn’t feel natural. I just want to feel more confident holding it while stuttering and not letting it disrupt my flow of communication. But if it happens every now and then, oh well. It’s still an improvement from where I’m at today!

Thanks for reading!